Being heard and being understood can be a little like an iceberg. Being heard might relate to knowledge of what’s easily visible above the surface. Being understood might be more about the knowledge of more hidden underneath the surface.
When someone hears you, it can mean they listen, pay attention to and acknowledge what you’re saying. They might even appreciate what you are speaking about or recognise the impact. In the realm of diagnosis, for example, this could be someone saying ‘I recognise you have X diagnosis and it can mean Y for you.’. Hearing might mean that someone takes in surface level knowledge of facts or they simply acknowledge or accept something. They have a base level of understanding
Understanding, meanwhile, can take that hearing or basic knowledge a step further. It goes beyond someone simply recognising something like an experience to trying to get a better picture or deeper knowledge of, for example, the impact. If someone understands, they might know what can cause certain affects of a diagnosis for you, for example. Understanding can enable someone to be a better ally because they might have knowledge of what you need and be able to arrange it without you even having to ask. Or, it might simply be awareness of things that are harder for you, patience when things take longer, and non-judgement about the adjustments you might make yourself.
Understanding doesn’t have to be complete. It rarely is. And you don’t necessarily have to understand straight away. Trying and learning to understand counts too. More than you might think. Because understanding, and trying to understand, take effort. They require willingness to ask questions, to engage, to empathise, to look further and dig deeper, to gain more knowledge. And that effort can communicate a whole lot of things- I care, you matter to me, your experiences matter enough for me to want to understand them.
As the saying goes; actions speak louder than words. Understanding, or trying to understand, is one way of showing that.
However, none of that is to say being heard is any less valuable. Being heard has it’s place. Being heard means that someone is listening, they’re acknowledging, accepting and believing. Rather than denying your experience, they believe it and accept it as yours. That is less that you have to fight for. When you don’t have to fight, it can give you room to breathe. It can give you one less place where you might need to justify or have attempts at explaining go ignored or unheard.
Being heard can exist without being understood, though I’m not sure being understood can exist without first being heard. Because you need to see an iceberg to realise the iceberg goes deeper than what might be immediately visible on the surface. Being heard is where understanding can start. And the journey of gaining that understanding can not only increase someone’s knowledge, and potentially improve their ability to respond as an ally, but also help to deepen connection between people. Because being heard can mean we’re accepted, being understood can mean we’re (more) known. Both are valuable, and both have their place.
What does being heard make possible for you? What does being understood make possible?