Reconnecting With Your Own Voice
As humans, we all have a sense of what we need and of what we feel, known sometimes as ‘interoception’.
A common experience associated with being marginalised can be being dismissed or sometimes having the validity or legitimacy of our needs questioned. When that happens, and especially when it happens repeatedly, we can start to question our own knowing, and eventually, even stop trusting it.
It can start with moments where you might be made to feel like ‘too much‘- like you’re too sensitive or too needy. As if your needs are unreasonable (one reason I don’t always like terminology like ‘reasonable and necessary’). It can look like automatic apologies, just for having needs. It can look like overriding our limits and trying to push through instead.
That ‘too much‘ feeling can start to really sink in when our needs are questioned over and over. Or when we have to justify our needs, such as to access the systems of support we need to live. Eventually, if you get that kind of feedback enough.. the kind that reinforces you’re ‘too much’ or your needs are ‘too much’, or even ‘you’re a problem to be accommodated’, you’ll start to believe it as truth, even when you know it’s not, because those voices become louder.
When the voices telling you things like ‘'too much’ become louder, it can also become harder to hear your own voice, to recognise your own needs or identify what you’re feeling (sometimes known as alexithymia). And this is when we can start to lose trust in our own knowing.
But, here’s a truth. Your voice carries invaluable knowledge. Wisdom you’ve gained through the things you’ve lived through. The expertise you gain through your own experiences is just as valid as any other form of experience. Our experiential expertise can include important wisdom like knowing your limits, understanding your reactions and responses and learning what is and isn’t helpful for you. This kind of self awareness and knowing yourself is the kind that develops as you live and experience.
When there’ve been a lot of other voices, some of which may be louder than your own, it’s understandable your own voice may have become harder to recognise. That’s ok. The good news is that you can relearn to recognise and trust yourself and your voice. This might look like allowing yourself to pay attention to discomfort and take it seriously, giving yourself permission to listen to yourself or treating your experiences as being worthy of consideration.
None of this relearning has to be huge. It can start with quietly and simply letting our experiences matter.
Further Resources:
interoception (discussed in relation to autism)
Why Your Voice is Valuable (previous Luminaries exclusive blog)