The Costs of Curiosity

Curiosity in allyship is a strength, but it can also come with a cost. It’s important to pay attention to the potential costs of that curiosity, such as who it asks something of, and what that ask is.

I’ve been reflecting a little recently on the impacts it can have when an ally takes initiative with their curiosity versus if they don’t take initiative. I’ve experienced various levels of this.

Take for example, a situation involving use of an ableist slur. When I spoke with an ally who’d witnessed the incident, it became apparent the ableist slur was not one they were familiar with (yet). But instead of letting me explain it, this ally stopped me in my tracks and told me they’d instead do the research to educate themselves. This was the first time in my life anyone had ever said anything like that to me and it blew my mind. I realised how much emotional labour there is in the explaining and educating, especially in a situation I’m emotionally invested in or which has personally affected me. Because suddenly, for the first time, that load had been intentionally taken off me.

I had another experience where I was asked to outline the specific effects and ongoing distressing impacts of previous experiences in order to help others understand what it’s like. This required me to revisit painful experiences and potentially detail them for others, in this case in an environment with limited understanding of the impact this can have. While the intention of this request was good and partially to improve understanding, placing the onus on an impacted individual to educate and explain can create extra emotional labour, such as retraumatisation and recovery from revisiting painful memories and an extra emotional and cognitive load of navigating these kinds of conversations in emotionally affecting situations.

While both of these situations were driven by curiosity, they feel completely different in terms of how space was created. In the first example where an ally took initiative, space was created for me. I was specifically stopped when I automatically started to go into explanations. In the second example, I was being asked to create the space myself.

That’s not to say this request was wrong- there is a place for personal sharing. But there is a difference when, wherever possible, initiative is taken to learn as much as you can first, or when there is understanding of what the request asks of the person. Because both that initiative, or the awareness, take a bit of the pressure off the individual and the load on them is lesser then it might otherwise be or supported.

Sometimes, taking initiative to investigate yourself first can even make any questions you do ask later on richer because of the extra information, understanding or insight you’ve gained first.

Wanting to understand is important and so is how you go about building that understanding. Curiosity can look like asking a question, and it can also be taking time to investigate on your own first.

Further Resources:

• Allies Take Note example of initiative taking (Social Media post)