Looking for Safe-Enough Connection
We’re often told that connection is essential for health and wellbeing. And they’re not wrong. But what they’re talking about is true connection. And for those of us who are marginalised, finding it is not necessarily as simple as it’s made out to be. For many of us, there can be a complicated history with connection, where connection hasn’t always felt safe, or even possible. That history doesn’t just vanish. It shapes how we approach connection, and what we need from it.
Connection is shaped by context and history. The experiences we’ve had, the environments we’ve existed in and the way others have responded to us all shape what connection might look like in future. This can show up as things like conditional connection- ‘I’ll interact with you if….’ , toleration over full acceptance or pressure to adapt, pretend or fit in. When you have experiences like that, it can have unintended lessons like ‘I have to be this kind of person‘, ‘I won’t be accepted, so there’s no point trying‘ or ‘I can’t be myself’.
The kinds of connections that teach us these lessons can leave us feeling cautious, uncertain and with an instinct to protect ourselves. We might find ourselves scanning for potential threats, being selective with what we share or keeping ourselves guarded. We might be scared of past experiences repeating, exhausted from trying to navigate failed or conditional connection or expecting to be misunderstood.
For example, with many of my close friends, I give them what I call ‘a year to run‘ before I let them in fully. And even then, I worry about them disappearing or deciding suddenly I’m too much for a while after, because it’s happened many times before. That year is when I’m learning how they stay. This has become one way I’ve found myself approaching connection, allowing space for the ‘what if’, while also giving people the opportunity to show me something different. It will look different for everyone, but many of us find our own ways of protecting ourselves while still trying for connection.
The reality of connection, especially for those of us who are marginalised, is that it’s not necessarily entirely good, nor is it entirely bad; it’s nuanced. Where a connection sits within that can depend on things like the people involved, the context and our capacity at the time. You might feel a need to take things slowly or share selectively. And there may be some connections that only feel safe in some ways, but not all. Connection is often something we’re continually navigating and feeling our way through.
True connection, meanwhile, is the safe kind. Or perhaps the safer/ safe-enough kind. It doesn’t require us to pretend. Instead, it makes space for us to be who we are and meets us with a willingness to understand.
For me, a connection feels true when I feel like I can be myself, when quirks are appreciated, even valued and when others show up. Not just in the good, easy moments, but also in the harder ones, when they choose to stay and stand with me through the struggle.
None of this is to say that fear or anxiety completely disappear. But it is possible for connection to feel steadier, and truer than what we may have come to expect, or even thought possible.
Our connections will each be as unique as we are. They don’t have to look the same, or the way we’ve been told they should. Connection can be something we feel our way through, one step at a time, as we look for what feels safe enough and learn what it’s like when someone stays. There’s no one right way to approach connection. Just your way, in whatever way feels possible, safe and right for you.